the life force

I woke up today from a dream that really made me think.  I dreamt that I came across some kind of organism that had a clear jelly coating that was so beautiful, it caused every one to feel happy and to feel joy by just looking at it.  I couldn't figure out why it was so beautiful, it just kind of had earth colors, but it had some kind of inner light to it that just glowed with energy, it's really hard to describe.

When I woke up, I started thinking about it and then I realized what made it so beautiful was because it glowed with the life force.  And then I started thinking what life would be like if such an organism really existed, that it must have come from some place not on earth.  If it multiplied, there would be some kind of utopian development that would take place, people would feel so joyous that there were be no war, no one would want to hurt each other, and everyone would share everything.  I considered writing a short story to describe what would happen.

Then I started thinking about the nursing home.  I thought about how much effort is put into keeping even the minimally alive living, and how, whether we recognize it or not, life is a driving force for human beings.  It is really the exception when people do not want to live, although it does happen.  I thought about my father and how he decided he didn't want to live under the conditions he would have to live under (constant medical care, not being ambulatory, stuck in bed, and waiting for death to come).  I also thought about my mother who fought death until her very last breath, and how there were tons of people in the hospital who were there to help her fight it and stay alive.  I thought about all the people I know who are living in my brother's nursing home, and although they might not be happy, they are all alive and would like to stay that way (at least most of them, the ones that are still cognizant.)

Which gets me back to my dream and my musings about utopia.  There is something about life that touches the soul, that has some special force, that is hard to ignore, and there must be something about the interaction of this force with our brains.  Why else was I so overcome with pleasure and rapture when I encountered life in my dream?  Why is it that people can so easily get out touch with this basic drive of the human condition?

When I told a friend today about my dream, she asked me if I had been taking hallucinogens lately!  I laughed.

the real truth?

Today is Saturday and I went to have breakfast with my brother.  It was his friend Carol's last day at the nursing home, she is moving to another one.  I asked her if she was excited and she said no, she was nervous because she didn't know how it was going to work out.  I don't blame her.  I told her I would call her in a few weeks to see how she liked it, it's a nursing home that is much, much closer to my house.

When I was walking out I asked the receptionist what the story was with Carol. She had a much different version.  She said that she had been belligerent with the nurses and then called the cops, and that the nurses were unhappy with her.   My tendency is to think that Carol has the most cognitive ability of the patients at the nursing home and was trying to protect her dignity.

Meanwhile, I got this note from Illinois Medicaid telling me that my brother has to sign up for a HMO.  Fair enough, I know there is a lot of money wasted in the system.  As I investigating, it turns out the State/HMOs haven't done their homework, and no one knows of any doctors in the system that will come to my brothers nursing home.  I left a message for the social worker to call me, but of course no one has called me.  More to come on that in future blogs, I'm sure....

good mood and a story

I went to visit my brother on Saturday.  He was in a really, really good mood, very jovial, I'm not sure why exactly, but what the heck.  We went out to breakfast.  At breakfast we gossip about what is going on at the nursing home.  Usually there is nothing new going on.  But on Saturday he told me about Carol.  Carol is a fairly heavy person who was admitted to the nursing home around the same time my brother was.  At the time, I heard she was suffering from arthritis and in for physical therapy.  She was in a wheel chair but trying to walk again.  She had been at the horrible nursing home my brother had been in and she told me that nursing home had almost killed her.  Of all the people on my brother's floor, she is the most independent, talkative, and together mentally.  She was friends with my brother's girlfriend, and actually must be pretty good friends with the girlfriend's daughter because the daughter keeps on coming back to visit even though her mother died recently (and had been kicked out of the nursing home for violent behavior.)  Carol has fallen several times in the nursing home and never got out of the wheelchair.  She is on public aid.

Lately, my brother had told me that her colon cancer had come back and she had to undergo more chemotherapy.  I saw her in the morning and she looked like she had lost about 20 pounds. 

But on Saturday, he told me that she had been asked to move out of the nursing home.  It turns out she has called the police twice.  So I asked why.  He said that one of the patients was "known for having an anger problem" and had been harassing Carol.  Also there was another patient who had been haranguing her. 

I don't know what to think about this.  Obviously I don't have all the information.  But there is something I like that she took the steps of calling the police when the nursing home couldn't protect her peace of mind.

My brother seems to be ok with moving if it means being closer to me.  I just received a new application form to fill out that I'm going to sanitize a bit from what our case manager wrote.  Our case manager is ok with this.

PS, I see that I have gotten some extra hits on the blog a couple of days ago.  There must have been some kind of meeting/conference where it was publicized.  I love it!

things have been pretty quiet lately

I haven't been writing in the blog lately because things have been pretty quiet.  I asked our case manager to talk to the nursing home that is closer to us, and she got an application and made out as much of it she could then sent it over to me.  It looked pretty good except the part about his psychiatric evaluation.  She mentioned that my brother can be cantankerous and difficult, but that he had been much better since he started living at the nursing home.  This is all true, but I am concerned that if the new nursing home reads it, they will think there is really a problem.  So I have a call into the case manager to confer with her on the language.

I went to see my brother today.  I have been doing it on Saturdays lately, because frankly, after I am done, I feel like the rest of the weekend is mine and I don't have to think about him too much.  So far, so good.  He hasn't been putting on more weight, although he doesn't seem as energetic as he did about a month ago.  He's a little quiet.

It's beginning to get a little lighter out at night, which makes me feel better about going out during the weeknights to see him.  About half the trip out there is in daylight, and the trip coming back is not too bad in terms of glare (that's my sight issue) because there is not too much traffic.  I was a little freaked about driving in general because I had an accident in December and didn't even drive much in January because the car was in the shop, but I'm getting better about that too.

I'm working too hard at work, so I've been pretty tired this week.  I gotta stop doing that, it's not good for my health!  (or for having energy for my brother)