Feeling guilty

I went to visit my brother tonight.  I had a bunch of things to talk about.  This week my daughter is finding out about college admissions and she is doing pretty well, she is even getting merit scholarships.  This is a hard thing to talk about with friends because you don't want to make them jealous.  I am missing my parents a lot this week because they are the folks who I would normally call, and of course, they have passed away and are not longer around.  My brother is my only other family so I told him.  He was pleased for her, but I know he feels badly that he never went to college or anywhere, for that matter. 

Then I told him the one of my parents best friends (the wife) died this morning, and that I had gone to visit both of them last night.  I hadn't seen either of them since my father died, but once the husband called to let me know his wife was in hospice, I felt that he had a pretty strong need to see me, so I went.  This is a pretty weird family where the daughter is not on speaking terms with her parents, and there is a whole long story of my parents getting cut off from a lot of their friends because of this issue. 

So their son is in town with his wife for the "transition".  He looked exactly like his father, bald, old, and pretty fleshy.  His wife seemed really bitter, her mother had just died a few months ago.  The strangest thing was that it turned out the son was in the same kindergarten class as my husband, he even brought out an old class photo.  I told my brother that story.

Then I got enough nerve up to tell my brother I was going to Spain with my husband, daughter, and son.  He took it ok, but he immediately said he was happy for me but that he wished he could go somewhere.

I would like to take my brother on a trip, but it would be a huge amount of work.  The biggest problem is that he is incontinent and won't tell you when his diaper needs to be changed and then that can get really messy.  Changing diapers with him is so intimate, I have issues with it.  I suppose I could get used to it.  Then there is the medication issue, you gotta remember what he takes when, it's pretty complicated and if you screw up, you could kill him.  Meanwhile, he walks at a snails pace, I mean, really, really, slow, and he tires pretty badly after a block or two, so you would have to do a trip that was sedentary, I'm not even sure what that would be.  I am going to have to think about it.  I am feeling pretty guilty about it though.

He was drinking coffee and choked several times.  I know this is going to have to get worse before we know what the problem is.   It took three years for the doctors to realize he had gallbladder problems when he was throwing up off and on. 

It's hard to keep the conversation going

I had breakfast by myself with my brother today.  It was mellow but very hard to keep a conversation going.  I see him enough so that there is not much to report on what's going on with my life on any particular day.  I could have told him we are going to Spain next week for a week, but I want to wait for the last minute so he doesn't get stressed out enough to get sick.  (This has happened before.)  But his world is so restricted, he doesn't have much to talk about, and let's face it, it was always hard to keep a conversation going with him, even when he was "well".

I just finished sending our intenirary to our case manager, friends, and will be sending it to the nursing home too.  I made special arrangements to rent a "global" phone in case there is an emergency and I would need to come home.  I kind of resent that I have to do this, it would be nice if I could just leave town and totally forget any responsibility, but what the heck, that's life, things could be a lot, lot, worse.

good news

My husband and I drove out to see my brother today, it was gorgeous outside, in the mid-eighties.  We took him for a walk around the grounds.  I was telling my husband on the way home how sick I am of driving all the way out there twice a week, and how I appreciated him driving out with me.  When I came home, I found out from our case manager that he had gotten on the waiting list for a local nursing home, I just don't know how  long it will take to place him.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Meanwhile, my brother was in good spirits, despite the fact that no one at the home made any effort to arrange for the ambulatory patients to sit outside today.  Unbelievable.

Is he beginning to wheeze again

Last Saturday was a beautiful day, and my husband was nice and drove with me to see my brother.  It is always good to have a helping hand, especially with the walker, because I have been having some trouble with tendinitis in my arm and it's kind of hard to lift the walker and put it in the car.

My brother didn't seem to be having a great physical day.  He had some kind of congestion going on.  I am planning on going to Spain with my family in a few weeks, the last hurrah before my daughter goes to college, and my grown up son is coming too.  The plan is not to tell my brother until right before so he doesn't get upset and make himself sick.  (He has been known to wreck many of my vacations!)  So of course I'm a little worried that something is going to happen.  It's probably a little selfish of me to worry more about my vacation then about him.

It's tax time and I have been working on his taxes.  It's complicated because he gets SSID, and has two trusts.  Then, I start finding out he has the small IRA CDs that no on knew about!  And I thought I had finally gotten all the finances under control.

At least his medicare card showed up in the mail.  That starts in July.  Let's hope he doesn't get sick until then, I don't think you get the best care when you are just on public aid.

But, despite this, things are pretty much ok.

skipped a visit

My husband has visited with my brother the last two weeks.  I don't go, instead I go work out.
My husband has been working at home and has time to take my brother out of the nursing home during the day, which of course, my brother likes.  I love it!  But I wonder how long this is going to last....a lot of this depends on my husband's work schedule, and of course, whether he feels like going or not.  I don't feel like I get that luxury, if I don't go, or arrange for someone else to go, then of course, no one goes. 

My husband is pretty good about visiting the infirm.  He visited his elderly aunt, where he was the only relative in town, in her nursing home, for almost 10 years, at least once a week, sometimes many times.  But she lived a lot closer to our home, only about 10 minutes away.  I need to work on getting my brother closer to our house, life would improve for both of us.