Last Friday was my brother's 65th birthday. Since it was a "big" birthday, I wanted to do something special for him. The problem is that he has no friends, literally no one outside the nursing home. So I invited two couples who are good friends of ours. They both accepted an invitation to go out to dinner with my brother, but one couple bowed out because of other family comittments.
The evening went okay with one hitch. My brother's hearing aid stopped working. Of course he didn't tell us until we noticed that he wasn't responding to our questions. I think it is not working because the nursaing home is not cleaning it out on at least a weekly basis, which is what they are supposed to do. I used to do it, but thought I wouldn't have to do it any more because this nursing home generally is so much better. Frankly, it's a bit oppressive to have to do it every week. Not because it's time consuming, it's just one more dependency my brother has on me. It does not feel good to think that if something happened to me, he wouldn't be able to hear. I really don't like doing it for that reason.
My husband and I left the next day after the birthday dinner to go to a retirement party for my sister-in-law, who is retiring at 73. It was up in Minnesota. As soon as I got back, I went back to work and immediately after work drove to the nursing home to pick up the hearing aid. The hearing aid store has really bad hours, it's only open during the week from 9-4pm or so, meaning that someone has to miss work twice, once to drop it off, once to pick it up after it's been fixed. It's not a big deal to drive over and do the task, but again, it's oppressive to have to do it, and to be the only one who does. This time my husband is helping me out and dropping it off for me.
I am tired of this caretaking. I am tired of visiting and having my brother expect me to entertain him, which is very difficult since he has difficulty participating in a conversation. I do not want to have to do this twice a week until I get too infirm myself to do it anymore. I know these feelings come in cycles, and that I will be get over it. But I am still feeling it anyway.
Did I tell you at the end of the dinner while we were waiting for my husband to pick us up, my brother gave me a hug and thanked me for the evening? (He rarely shows any physical affection.) I felt very good about that.
