In the last three years or so, my brother has started to sit for long periods, sometimes in the dark. He was watching some TV in his room in assisted living, but when he is in the hospital, he may read theSun-Times in the morning, but then do nothing at all for the rest of the day unless staff noodges him.
Yesterday, I asked him what he thinks about when he is just sitting there. He told me nothing. I asked him why and he said because it is calming. I thought this was pretty interesting, and the reply probably reflects his autism. It bothers people to see him doing and thinking nothing. It has bothered me a lot. But now that I know how he feels about it, I am going to stop nagging him about it. It still makes me feel bad, I keep on trying to remind myself that his consciousness (not sure this is the right word to describe it) is different than mine. His brain may not work like most of us, but that's the way it is, one way of living can coexist with another. I am glad I don't have autism, but who's to say which is better? You never really see him happy, but is that what the human condition is all about? Still this makes me very sad that he has missed a lot of the trials and tribulations of human life. I should add that some of this turning to nothingness seems to a slowing of his mind that matches the degeneration in his body.
I am pretty tired, feeling some grief, and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to write about the brief conversation I had with him about life and death. I am assuming that I am feeling sad because I am anxious about transferring him to a new living environment. I hope it works out for him and for me.
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